Life Really is a Bitch

And Then You Die.

I remember when I first heard this expression and laughed heartily.  It was after I had been through many trials in my life.  I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.

This is a true saying so stay here as long as you can and try to get as much enjoyment and fulfillment as you can without taking anything away or harming others.  That being said, serving others used to bring me much fulfillment until I could see what I was really doing.  Mostly “enabling.”

I don’t think it’s a favor to anyone to placate and make their lives easy when your life is so hard.  It actually makes no sense at all.  How is this coddled person ever supposed to develop character of their own?  How are they ever going to be tough enough to live in this cold cruel world when they have others in their life treating them like a new-born baby just so they can feel needed.

Anyone else see the cheery gif on Facebook & Twitter?

 Sad that this is where I am at right now and it’s not going to get better.  I can’t even pretend but I really don’t want to get into everything right now besides TWO of my brothers are critically ill at this time.

One of my brothers is hanging on after being in a coma for about a month, is able to eat and be transferred to a wheelchair after being completely bed ridden for which I am very grateful but another brother has now taken a turn for the worse with possible cancer and surgery in the next couple days which I am praying about.  Sad fact is I can’t snap out of it.  I can’t even make myself feel “Christmassy”  I should feel super happy and grateful that my brothers are still here, though just hanging on and I’m expecting a miracle for them but I think feeling such horrific stress that comes with a loved one on the brink and not knowing has been just too much for me.

I’ve tried, believe me.  Too many treats, trying to make myself feel better.  I’m even considering taking up drinking which I hate!  Wasn’t keen on this woman’s idea of fun either.

This one, cute, but also a no.

So I know why it’s so hard this time of year. I have posted a few things about my dysfunctional life but not much. I wanted to keep this blog as superficial as possible. I hate being real because real for me is not an option. I LOVE being in a dream world. Not one of drugs or being artificially high but one where I am lost in a good book, maybe an old movie, a painting or some act of creation, when art was my thing. I love being lost in beauty or something interesting. I hate dramas, never liked soap opera’s because I had enough real drama in my own life. I needed peace.  Strange that I find solace in social media now because sometimes you get some real weirdos.  Most are pretty cool though.  I enjoy it.

I was never alone in my life til the last few years. It’s been horrible and great depending. I actually hate being alone. At first it was pure torture and it sort of fragmented me, but now that I’m used to it in a way that I can deal with it, I have found that I don’t like being around others for too long.
I get uncomfortable for various reasons from boredom to trying to placate or figure out someone’s unpredictable behavior.  Oh the joys of human interaction!

I do know that since I have been hurt many times in my life, I no longer trust. When you don’t trust, you can’t be around others. You become sort of paranoid. I knew others like this. That started avoiding others and got like a hermit. That’s a little like I’m becoming now. I moved to an area I had always wanted to live when I had money, but now that I have no money I was able to move here. Boy, if that’s not the story of my life….A dollar short and a day late, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I can never get my life timed right. Anyone else ever feel that way?  This picture shows why I now have zero tolerance for the narcissism of the typical alcoholic and all the trouble they cause for others.

Christmas 1960 where dad must have been drinking again. I feel so bad for my family and how sad or scared we all look.

Some do have their lives go along perfectly, their plans are never disturbed. This was never my case. I knew women that could plan when they wished to become pregnant and they did. I did the same, didn’t happen as I planned doing everything right. Same with other things in my life like working hard, saving, etc. Finally purchased a home and the mortgage crashed. I realized it really didn’t have anything to do with poor decision making but just bad luck. I actually used to feel that I was cursed and reading the Bible used to make me feel bad about myself in this regard. I felt that God didn’t bless me because I must be doing something wrong. This really turned me off religion. I since got into the actual Words of Christ so I get it. Life sucks, people suck and it’s just one of those things. All you can do is pray and never give up no matter how much you want to.


Truth is, you never know when something’s going to turn around. You never know if you can be a blessing for someone else and not even know it. So F the bad luck and BS of the world. Jesus overcame it all for us and the very least I will do is LIVE and walk in the Word to show that I appreciate it.

Prayers Needed

in the name of Jesus!

I have hesitated to post anything since Halloween.  I had mentioned that a family member was in the hospital at that time.  It’s my youngest brother and the prognosis is not good.  Apparently he is in late stage Liver failure and it’s more than likely due to his lifestyle when he was younger.  I know he does drink regularly but many people do and don’t have this happen to them.

He has been a heavy drinker most of his adult life especially when he was in the lead singer in a Heavy Metal Band many years ago with a lifestyle that went with it.  They played in many of the rock and roll clubs in Detroit and the suburbs.

My brother is on the left.

I was originally told that my brother was injured when he lifted something heavy and tore his esophagus.  This happened due to the thinning and weakening of the membranes making bleeding a huge danger.  He must have already been quite ill for some time but never said anything, as many of us don’t until it’s too late.  I have heard of cirrhosis of the liver before but never knew that it actually can make your body sort of deteriorate where you have bleeding all through your body, sometimes severe enough to cause death.  I have been reading up on this condition to find out as much as I can.

He had emergency surgery on November 1st for esophageal bleeding, was in the hospital approximately one week recuperating and having more tests, was released and collapsed a few days later at home in a much worse condition with more widespread bleeding.  He was in a coma for approximately 11 or 12 days and started waking up a few days ago.  He has been in ICU because it does not look good, he could pass at any time.  He was just taken off the ventilator a few days ago when I was there on Thanksgiving and it broke my heart to see my brother with tubes all over his body knowing any time might be the last time and having him plead with me to bring him back home.

He has no energy and kept saying “help me” and “take me home with you” in the tiniest whisper changing from lucid one minute to not making any sense the next.  The nurse told me this was common due to high blood ammonia from the liver.  When I had to leave due to the 2 hour drive back home before dark, he kept saying “don’t go.”  Until a pretty nurse came into the room, then I could leave.

One of my daughter-in-laws was able to feed him a tiny amount of thickened liquid yesterday as well.  He has a feeding tube and is not supposed to have much by mouth right now, anything can cause this bleeding again but since they can’t just have him stay this way in ICU, they are trying to see if he can tolerate stuff so they can eventually get him out of there and he can actually come back home.

One of the nurses said if he can get through this crisis and follow Doctors orders there might be a possibility to get on a transplant list if he gets stronger.  If I qualify I would not hesitate to donate part of my liver.  My liver tests looked good a couple months ago.  I have hardly ever drank, smoked or took drugs my entire life so I am hoping that it’s a possibility though age is also a qualifying factor.  I forget the older you get the less valuable your life becomes in our society.

 

 

 

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: I am Nothing, if Not Resilient

In fact as many times as I have been down in life with financial problems,

foreclosedhome

physical ailments,

depression,

carolsharpeneddarker

the sin of growing old in a vain culture

and various dealings with the fickle finger of fate.

There is a core of strength and protection all around me.  It is called faith.  Faith from the living Word that never fails.

proverbs-3-5-6

psalm-30-5

 

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