Life Really is a Bitch

And Then You Die.

I remember when I first heard this expression and laughed heartily.  It was after I had been through many trials in my life.  I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.

This is a true saying so stay here as long as you can and try to get as much enjoyment and fulfillment as you can without taking anything away or harming others.  That being said, serving others used to bring me much fulfillment until I could see what I was really doing.  Mostly “enabling.”

I don’t think it’s a favor to anyone to placate and make their lives easy when your life is so hard.  It actually makes no sense at all.  How is this coddled person ever supposed to develop character of their own?  How are they ever going to be tough enough to live in this cold cruel world when they have others in their life treating them like a new-born baby just so they can feel needed.

Anyone else see the cheery gif on Facebook & Twitter?

 Sad that this is where I am at right now and it’s not going to get better.  I can’t even pretend but I really don’t want to get into everything right now besides TWO of my brothers are critically ill at this time.

One of my brothers is hanging on after being in a coma for about a month, is able to eat and be transferred to a wheelchair after being completely bed ridden for which I am very grateful but another brother has now taken a turn for the worse with possible cancer and surgery in the next couple days which I am praying about.  Sad fact is I can’t snap out of it.  I can’t even make myself feel “Christmassy”  I should feel super happy and grateful that my brothers are still here, though just hanging on and I’m expecting a miracle for them but I think feeling such horrific stress that comes with a loved one on the brink and not knowing has been just too much for me.

I’ve tried, believe me.  Too many treats, trying to make myself feel better.  I’m even considering taking up drinking which I hate!  Wasn’t keen on this woman’s idea of fun either.

This one, cute, but also a no.

So I know why it’s so hard this time of year. I have posted a few things about my dysfunctional life but not much. I wanted to keep this blog as superficial as possible. I hate being real because real for me is not an option. I LOVE being in a dream world. Not one of drugs or being artificially high but one where I am lost in a good book, maybe an old movie, a painting or some act of creation, when art was my thing. I love being lost in beauty or something interesting. I hate dramas, never liked soap opera’s because I had enough real drama in my own life. I needed peace.  Strange that I find solace in social media now because sometimes you get some real weirdos.  Most are pretty cool though.  I enjoy it.

I was never alone in my life til the last few years. It’s been horrible and great depending. I actually hate being alone. At first it was pure torture and it sort of fragmented me, but now that I’m used to it in a way that I can deal with it, I have found that I don’t like being around others for too long.
I get uncomfortable for various reasons from boredom to trying to placate or figure out someone’s unpredictable behavior.  Oh the joys of human interaction!

I do know that since I have been hurt many times in my life, I no longer trust. When you don’t trust, you can’t be around others. You become sort of paranoid. I knew others like this. That started avoiding others and got like a hermit. That’s a little like I’m becoming now. I moved to an area I had always wanted to live when I had money, but now that I have no money I was able to move here. Boy, if that’s not the story of my life….A dollar short and a day late, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I can never get my life timed right. Anyone else ever feel that way?  This picture shows why I now have zero tolerance for the narcissism of the typical alcoholic and all the trouble they cause for others.

Christmas 1960 where dad must have been drinking again. I feel so bad for my family and how sad or scared we all look.

Some do have their lives go along perfectly, their plans are never disturbed. This was never my case. I knew women that could plan when they wished to become pregnant and they did. I did the same, didn’t happen as I planned doing everything right. Same with other things in my life like working hard, saving, etc. Finally purchased a home and the mortgage crashed. I realized it really didn’t have anything to do with poor decision making but just bad luck. I actually used to feel that I was cursed and reading the Bible used to make me feel bad about myself in this regard. I felt that God didn’t bless me because I must be doing something wrong. This really turned me off religion. I since got into the actual Words of Christ so I get it. Life sucks, people suck and it’s just one of those things. All you can do is pray and never give up no matter how much you want to.


Truth is, you never know when something’s going to turn around. You never know if you can be a blessing for someone else and not even know it. So F the bad luck and BS of the world. Jesus overcame it all for us and the very least I will do is LIVE and walk in the Word to show that I appreciate it.

Weekly Photo Challenge: I am Nothing, if Not Resilient

In fact as many times as I have been down in life with financial problems,

foreclosedhome

physical ailments,

depression,

carolsharpeneddarker

the sin of growing old in a vain culture

and various dealings with the fickle finger of fate.

There is a core of strength and protection all around me.  It is called faith.  Faith from the living Word that never fails.

proverbs-3-5-6

psalm-30-5

 

Daily Prompt: Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

Oh, if only I had some secret or technique to focus, I would have a much more successful blog.

If anyone out there has any good ideas, send them my way.

I used to be so focused and hard working and now I coast by each day, not really caring what gets done.  It’s not depression, it’s decompressing from over 40 years of working non-stop.

The only way I get things accomplished is to quit all distractions, and just keep moving like I have blinders on.  It helps when I’m in a manic stage.

PinkLilly

Enough With The Comfort Food Already!

This has been a long, hard winter for all of us.  I am sick of the severe cold and all the shoveling and I’m sure most of you agree.

I lost my job, again, right before the holidays and my only sister soon after.  It looks like I will be losing my home by the end of this year unless I find another job soon and I have to say I have not had the time nor the inclination to look under the circumstances.

Being snowed in and being depressed does not make for a healthy person mentally or physically when you decide to self-medicate with food.  I do not drink or have any other vices and have found through the years what a great comfort food can really be.  One of my overweight friends once explained to me “You cannot eat and cry at the same time.”  I see what she is talking about now because for most of my life, I would lose my appetite if I was upset about anything.  Now I become ravenous!

I am still working out regularly, but not happy with the fact that I had managed to lose over 20lbs last year and have now found myself putting that weight right back on again.

I have tried to take walks on several occasions only to start slipping and sliding on the mess that has continued for the last two months in my area so about the only time I am out is when I have to get supplies.  I dig out if the snow is deep enough.  For a couple of inches of snow I just drive right over it all.  The unfortunate result of this is that snow becomes so compacted down that I am not able to shovel it at a later date because of the severely cold temperatures.

This comfort food actually comforts my stomach as well.

Po’ Girl’s Rice Pudding

Combine 2 cups cooked rice with 2 cups milk and 1/4 cup sugar.  Cook on medium-low heat stirring regularly for approximately 20 minutes until thickened.  Then add an additional 1/2 cup warm milk with one beaten egg (to temper egg), one teaspoon vanilla and 1/4 teaspoon cardamom powder stirring continuously for an additional 10 minutes or so.  I slowly added a few spoonfuls of the cooked pudding to the 1/2 cup with the egg before adding this to the hot pudding to prevent the egg from curdling.

This makes a very delicious, but not super sweet rice pudding that I much prefer to store-bought.  Much better for your sugar levels.  The following video gives you an idea of how thick the pudding becomes when it is almost done.  Please stir enough to prevent scorching keeping your eye on the heat, adjusting as needed.

http://youtu.be/tZISpHkvSoM

Video

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